One is the Loneliest Number (1/2)
by Master YoGurt
Summary: Mace and Obi-Wan share their grief for a fallen friend and lover


Title: One is the Loneliest Number  
Author: Master Yo-Gurt  
Archive: M&A, my site (http://www.darkpine.net/HiddenRealm/mm/my.html), anyone else please ask and you'll be given!  
Spoilers: for TPM - *That* scene happened!  
Warning: none  
Category: h/c, angst  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Mace Windu and Obi-Wan share their grief for their fallen friend and lover in a special way.  
Pairing: Mace/Obi-Wan (Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon, sorta)  
Disclaimer: As if! Doesn't GL own EVERYTHING?  
Notes: In a way a companion to "And I'll be waiting" but definitely a stand alone piece. Caring-Good!Mace is hard to find, so I though I help my favourite Jedi out a bit. *g* I am grateful to my Betas Jacynthe, Emila-Wan, Caffre and Res. Any remaining mistakes are entirely my fault. Various of you gave input via chat on different aspects of this story and my thanks goes out to all of you.  
Feedback: Please, definitely! On list or off to quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (1/2)  
One (Three Dog Night)  
  
one is the loneliest number  
that you'll ever do  
two can be as bad as one  
it's the loneliest number since the number one  
no is the saddest experience you'll ever know  
yes it's the saddest experience you'll ever know  
cause one is the loneliest that you'll ever know  
one is the loneliest number even worse than two  
  
it's just no good anymore  
since you went away  
now I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday  
  
one is the loneliest number  
one is the loneliest number  
one is the loneliest number  
since you went away  
since you went away  
  
one is the loneliest number  
one is the loneliest number  
one is the loneliest number  
since you went away  
  
it's just no good anymore  
since you went away  
now I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday  
  
one is the loneliest number  
one is the loneliest number  
one is the loneliest number since you went away...  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It was the day before the Rite of Release. As was a Padawan's duty, it had fallen to Obi-Wan Kenobi to prepare his Master's body for the Burning -- the ritualistic farewell for those Jedi whose bodies didn't immediately join the Force and simply vanish. Only once before had the young man witnessed the elaborate steps in anointing a body with precious oils and scented herbs, dressing it in the owner's most precious garb so he or she looked presentable to those who had gone before them.   
  
When the Jedi Order was still young, beliefs that the dead somehow lived on in the hereafter and would be helped in their transition to that new life by providing them with food and clothes for their journey to the Force were common. And although a better understanding of the nature of the Force with time had led to the abandonment of these practices, remnants still persisted in some of the rituals the Jedi practiced even to the present. As all living beings did, Jedi became one with the Force on their death. However, the individual was still viewed as a distinct presence that could be felt by those attuned to the various aspects of the Force. Thus appearance of the dead was important, even now.  
  
There had hardly been time to do the preparations for Qui-Gon, so sudden, indeed unexpected, his death had been. It had been Mace Windu, lover to Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, who had hastily gathered a set of fresh tunics to dress his fallen companion in, as he came to Naboo with the other Council members to preside over the Burning of his friend. Just some of Qui-Gon's simple attire and a stone pendant Mace had given him for their fifth anniversary -- a token of his love for him. Nothing fancy.  
  
"You were never a fancy man, Master!" Obi-Wan said into the silence that filled the small room as he straightened Qui-Gon's dark leggings for the last time. There had been no time to clean the hair of the sweat of the fight with the Sith, the grime of the reactor chamber, or the tears Obi-Wan had shed onto it, more than once since that fateful day. He had combed his Master's hair and put it together in a loose braid behind his back, making sure the pendant Mace Windu had brought with him was placed over the fallen Master's heart.   
Having finished, Obi-Wan looked at his work. The hole in Qui-Gon's chest was covered by a clean tunic now, so he might be presented to his fellow Jedi without any blemish for a last time.  
  
He was alone in the small room adjoining the balcony on which the wood for the funeral pyre was already assembled. Wood from the Temple, as was customary. It had been brought to Naboo for this special purpose, in honour of one of the Jedi.  
  
Obi-Wan took the hand of his teacher and gently let his fingers run over the weathered skin, as if too abrupt a touch would wake him.  
  
"So cold ... I never thought you could feel that way. ... This shouldn't be..." he added, those last words whispered to himself, as if he were afraid his dead Master would be able to feel his almost overwhelming sorrow.  
Obi-Wan wouldn't disappoint the man he so loved again. Not again as he had in the reactor chamber when he had so miserably failed his Master, allowing the Sith to separate him from Qui-Gon. For that failure Obi-Wan had watched the man die -- the least he could do *now* was to bear his sorrow like the Jedi Qui-Gon had made him. Not like the little boy he had been before Master Jinn accepted him as his Padawan.  
  
Immediately he felt it was good he had been quiet. Someone had entered the room, almost without Obi-Wan noticing. Another moment and he relaxed a bit, recognising the Force signature. As much as he would have preferred to be alone with his Master during these last few hours, he surely couldn't object to the new presence he felt.   
  
"Good afternoon, Padawan." The voice was quiet and reverent, warm and in a strange way, very soothing to the young man.  
  
"Master Windu!" Obi-Wan said as he turned to acknowledge his elder's presence, bowing respectfully. "I am almost done here, so I will leave you to--"   
  
Immediately Mace's hand went up in a gesture of protest.  
  
"I am sorry, Obi-Wan. It is I who should ask forgiveness for having interrupted your duties so rudely. But, if you will permit me to stay I, too, would like to ... say my farewell."   
These last words were spoken hesitantly and Obi-Wan wondered why. //*The power of circumstance!*// Obi-Wan thought. How often had his Master talked about the importance of circumstance to a person's position within a social group, and suddenly Obi-Wan was keenly aware what Qui-Gon had meant by that: under normal circumstances Master Windu was his superior, no matter where Obi-Wan was. But in *here*, right *now*, Mace Windu was nothing but a fellow Jedi, a man shaken by his grief for his friend ... no, the even more painful grief for a lost lover! How many times had Obi-Wan witnessed Qui-Gon petition to Master Windu -- now the structures of power were reversed and Mace Windu was asking permission of *him*, Obi-Wan! And yet -- the man had been the closest person to Qui-Gon, so why did he need to ask a Padawan's consent? Obi-Wan felt a wave of barely suppressed anxiety take hold of the other man -- the kind that came with being left alone by the person one loved. The same feeling he himself had battled with these last few days. How ironic, Obi-Wan noted with a tiny bit of guilty satisfaction as he nodded his assent before he turned to his Master's body again.  
  
Looking down at Qui-Gon, he again took one of his hands, as if the touch would be able to assure him his Master was somehow still there with him.  
  
"I haven't forgotten, Master Windu. My Master, Qui-Gon ... he must have meant very much to you. If you wish ..." he trailed off once more and looked at the man next to him. "I shall leave if you want to be alone with him."  
  
Obi-Wan felt Mace tense a bit. By the astonished look on the other's face he could tell Master Windu hadn't counted on the fact that the Padawan would know about his relationship with Qui-Gon. His words came quietly, yet left no doubt about their sincerity.  
  
"No, please stay. Your company would be ..." Mace hesitated as he tried to find the right words, "... much appreciated, Obi-Wan." He took the few steps necessary to close the distance to the elevated platform bearing Qui-Gon's body and let his eyes wander over the body first, smiling when he saw the pendant he had brought with him rested in its customary place. A few moments passed before Mace looked up to meet the Padawan's eyes again.  
  
"How long did you know?" he asked quietly so as not to disturb the strange, tenuous calm that had spread between the two men. "I was not aware Qui-Gon had told you about ... us."  
  
Obi-Wan's face lightened a little as he kept caressing the hand he held.   
  
"It wasn't too much of a secret, Master Windu. Although he never talked about it with me, I *felt* something, or someone, made him very happy and content these last few years. When he came back from a meeting with you, he was ... *different*, as if glowing from the inside. And ... after a while, it didn't take a genius to come to the correct conclusion."  
  
No, his Master had not hidden his love for Mace well. The bantering that went on between the men, even sometimes in the Council chamber; the stolen little pecks onto a cheek or the back of a hand when Mace and Qui-Gon felt they were unobserved; the pendant from his lover Qui-Gon often carried with him and loathed to part with. It was all there for Obi-Wan, if not the whole Temple, to see, and after a first irrational bout of jealousy Obi-Wan had become content to relish in his Master's happiness. And that happiness even seemed to have welled over lately, with Qui-Gon more often stealing a glance of sheer merriment at Obi-Wan, as if to say *Come, let me share with you this happiness I feel.*  
  
A long moment passed before Obi-Wan continued.  
  
Very quietly he said, "He must have loved you a great deal, Master Windu." The young man felt Mace's eyes on his face for a long time, who then again looked down at his dead lover, and Obi-Wan could feel how the older man struggled to retain his serenity, looking, reaching for somewhere in the back of his mind. Obi-Wan was only too familiar with this particular escape -- finding refuge in that little tranquil shelter of one's mind where no storm of life could do any harm, where one was safe. It had been his safe heaven since Qui-Gon's death as well.  
  
Mace took a deep breath before he answered, and Obi-Wan knew how hard it was for the man to concede this particular knowledge to Obi-Wan.  
  
"Yes. He and I, we shared a long time together. He was the only one who ..." Mace's voice hitched a bit before he was able to continue. "He was the only one I would allow ... close. It was not easy, but we worked it out, until..." The Padawan heard Mace let out a deep sigh but was more concerned with his own inner struggle for calm, an uphill battle for him right now. Obi-Wan still held his dead Master's hand, his pain, his anger almost palatable for the other Jedi. Mace waited until Obi-Wan drew his eyes away from Qui-Gon's still face, an apologetic look in his young eyes.  
  
"Sometimes, in my dreams, I cursed you, for that closeness with my Master you had ... that I so wished to be mine. I'm sorry, Master Windu, it's just..." Obi-Wan tried to look away from Mace, tried to hide the anguish he felt and which made him clench his jaw as his fingers tightened around Qui-Gon's hand.  
  
"It shouldn't have happened ... I was too slow, I should have helped him battle that Sith, if only..." Obi-Wan's eyes closed, his lips pressed together tightly -- he was Jedi, he shouldn't let this desperation have reign over him. But it had, and nothing, he feared, would be able to chase away that demon of self-pity and regret for words never spoken aloud. With both hands he held on to Qui-Gon now as he voicelessly said the one word seemingly encompassing all his misery: Why?  
  
***********************   
  
It was a question Mace Windu had asked himself more than once these past few days after he had to send Qui-Gon and his Padawan to help the Naboo. He felt anything he might say now would be inadequate, so he decided to hold his peace a little longer. Taking a few steps closer to Obi-Wan the older man put his hand onto one of the Padawan's arms in a gesture of comfort, but didn't say anything for the moment.  
  
After they had stood in silence for a short while, Mace broke the quiet, a heavy sigh forcing its way out of him.   
  
"I don't know why the Force saw this as the right time to call him, Padawan. And ... if I could bring him back ... " No, not satisfactory, that answer, but all Mace could think of saying right now -- anything to ease the misery on the young man's face as well as within his own heart He let go of Obi-Wan's arm as he began to once again study the pale face of his lover, lovingly allowing his hand to brush over Qui-Gon's hair now, his fingers memorizing its softness for a last time.  
  
"He was the only one ... no other. Never another!" Mace stated, more to Qui-Gon than to the man standing next to him, a little nervous chuckle accompanying his words spoken barely beyond a whisper. He didn't believe many people understood his commitment to a single person, unfaltering as his commitment to the Jedi Code -- a point of much debate between him and Qui-Gon. But unlike so many others, Qui-Gon had *understood*! It felt odd to Mace Windu when, during a reception or other social event, men and women, Jedi and non-Jedi alike, bragged about the number of their conquests, as if the more partners they'd had, the more accomplished and accepted they would become. Maybe the first, but the latter? Not in Mace's eyes. It made him feel slightly out of place, an odd man out -- so strange the concept of commitment had become in a Republic that looked for new and better thrills and novelties all the time. Change, for its own sake, was cherished; steadfastness loathed.  
  
He and Qui-Gon had been brought up together in the Temple, played in the Crèche together, were chosen as Padawans at about the same age, went on missions together with their Masters. It wasn't as if either of them had been adverse to other partners when the opportunity arose within or outside of the Temple's confines, but for Mace, Qui-Gon Jinn had been the only one he had truly felt *connected* and drawn to.   
  
Their relationship had been loving but not without its hitches. It never had been an easy undertaking with a man who so seemed to love to go against convention. It never had been easy for Mace, as the senior member of the Jedi Council, to reconcile his duty to his colleagues and the Order with pleasure. But somehow they had managed, had loved what they had, had built and maintained the trust between them, the love they shared until ... until Qui-Gon had told him about his blossoming feelings for Obi-Wan.   
  
Mace's train of thought was interrupted as he heard Obi-Wan cry, trying to control his tears, but failing miserably.  
  
"I never said anything to him, about my feelings for him, he never asked. Never the right time I guess," Obi-Wan added with regret tingeing his voice. "I knew he had you, was happy, had something I only could dream of. I would have never interfered, Master. But *if* he had known ..." Obi-Wan wiped a sleeve over too-wet eyes, a motion Mace had gone through himself once or twice these last few days. It hurt -- how much more must it hurt for him, Mace wondered and cautiously put a hand onto the Padawan's shoulder.  
  
"He loved you, very much so, Obi-Wan. You must believe that. I ... know!" Mace's eyes rested on Obi-Wan, and he felt the Padawan's questioning, incredulity and suddenly painful understanding of what his words had merely implied.  
  
"He never said a word to *me*, but he would talk to *you*? About me?" Obi-Wan looked up to Mace and swallowed before continuing. "When he was together with you." Matter-of-fact statement, and Mace nodded.  
  
"Not often, no, don't think so. Yet he ... We talked, and I would have to have been a fool not to see the shine in his eyes when he talked about you. As private a man as your Master was, Obi-Wan, he delighted in telling me about your latest accomplishments, how much he looked forward to seeing you being knighted." Mace rubbed his hand over the bridge of his nose as he unsuccessfully tried to hide a sneak attack of merriment creeping up on him. "So don't think all of our scarce time together was taken up with romping through one bed or another!"   
  
A small smile danced around the Master's face, and it proved contagious. Obi-Wan had to put his hand up over his mouth, feigning a cough to try and cover up the little amused snort he could not hold back. He had turned away from Mace as his face flushed bright red -- what would the Master think of his outbreak of hilarity at such a solemn moment? However, he very quickly found his composure again and apologetically smiled back at Mace.  
  
"I am sorry if you thought me that frivolous, Master Windu. I would never assume such from you or ... my Master." Silence between them again until Mace continued, once more taken captive by his memories.   
  
"Yes, those talks with Qui-Gon, I'll miss them. He could put forth an argument for the usefulness of the Sith if it suited him, and always he tried to get that 'stuffiness' out of me, as he put it. I remember when we were on Rala. It had snowed and we had taken to camping outside under the stars. In the morning, he had barricaded the tent's entrance with two solid feet of that white stuff, and was quite beside himself as he watched me digging myself out of it.... I do miss him, Obi-Wan. You should know, he talked a lot about you, in the end." Mace hugged himself close against the chill which seemed to have settled about the two of them. Slowly he continued, his sadness now also mirrored in his voice.  
  
"Obi-Wan, the last time he and I shared a night together, he told me I would likely lose him ... to you! That he'd known for a some time you and he belonged together. I was ... It wasn't easy to hear that." This confession, coming from Qui-Gon's lover, came from out of nowhere for Obi-Wan, and Mace could see it startled the young man.  
  
"But he ... ? Never did he give me any indication that what I felt for him..."  
  
"Could be returned? No, he wanted to wait. In fact..." Mace buried his hands deeper into the folds of his robe and moved away from the young Jedi to watch over the city of Theed from one of the nearby windows, "I had asked him to ... wait. Until you were a Knight and his equal, so it would have been easier." //For me, more than anybody,// Mace added in his thoughts.   
  
The thought of losing the only man he had loved in all his life had been worse than anything ever put before him. But he would have accepted Qui-Gon's choice, would have been thankful for the time they had together, would have let the Force guide and do its will on them as it always did. He wasn't selfish enough to think he could hold a man like Qui-Gon if he had made up his mind that his destiny was to build a life together with Obi-Wan, and not with him.  
The Force was a cruel Master sometimes, not fair. But didn't even he, Mace Windu, senior member of the powerful Jedi Council, deserve fair from time to time? It didn't matter any longer.  



End file.
